ME: hey boss it looks like I bit off a little more than I could chew
MORTICIAN: you’re so fired
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I don’t care what my husband says, technically he is a brother-in-law to my mom’s dog.
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
USPS: if you pay us $8 we’ll deliver your package safely
ME: k
USPS: but if you pay $4 extra for insurance… we PROMISE to deliver it safely
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
Was out on the golf course and shot an eagle at Hole 9. Mom doesn’t believe me, but wait till she sees the eagle.
Welcome to your 40’s. You’ll be mad if a neighbor doesn’t mow their lawn.
Who called it anxiety and not revenge of the nerves?
Why are they called urinal cakes and not pisscuits
Blew out my flip flop…
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
My kids caught me eating candy and they both took turns interrogating me trying to get me to tell them where the candy stash is, but I ain’t no snitch I ain’t telling them shit!
Jerry: He offered you a red pill and a blue pill?
George: Two pills, no water
Jerry: No water?
George: No water
Jerry: Cant take a pill without water
George: Never could
Jerry: So what’d you do?
George: I left. I’m not choking down a dry pill
Kramer enters in a leather coat
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop
I don’t want to marry Bill Gates because he’s rich.
I want to marry Bill Gates so I never have to fix my own computer.
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
[takes a deep drag on a cigarette & stares off into the distance] Sometimes a man needs to unplug everything and be alone with his thoughts… and a 3lb corned beef brisket. And a jar of deli mustard. And some rye bread. Maybe a dark beer, but the point is a man needs alone time.
Spice things up at church by french kissing your neighbor during the traditional greeting time.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
“Stop hitting me.”
-Rock bottom.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.