When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
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Google reviews are always so mixed..
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
I don’t think the comings and goings of Cotton eyed Joe warrant a whole song.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
I’m convinced that my washing machine is a portal to a world where one-legged men hop around in my socks.
Exercising can add years to your life. For example I jogged 4 miles today and now I feel like I’m 73.
True statement👍😏😁
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
i have never felt this meme more than after listening to Threedom… good job brahs.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
John Lennon got shot and died.
Cam’ron got shot and drove to the hospital in a Lamborghini.
Not even a contest.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
Why do people named Deborah go by “Deb” and never “bruh”
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
*pops the hood*
“Looks like the timing nut is gone on yer muffler belt”
.. Umm r u sure you work here?
*lifts eye brow, moustache falls off*
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
My family can’t decide what kind of Lab to get (Chocolate, Yellow, Black, etc.) so we drew straws.
I won, so we’re getting a Meth.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I never met a strawberry I didn’t like.