i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
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I don’t think AI should be used to make content…BUT…if there were a way for the paw patrol to tell my son by name that if he doesn’t go to bed they will arrest him…
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Me: . . . and why’s it called Ireland, anyway? Are they irate because their patron saint was Scottish, and never actually drove any snakes out?
Priest: *grabbing mic* does anyone have anything to say about the DEPARTED?
My 3-year-old said she wished we had a pet. I reminded her we have a dog and wow the genuine surprise on her face as it dawned on her that our dog is a pet and not just some other guy who lives here.
The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
Ulterior motives? Please, I don’t even know why I do things.
ME: I wanna be the very best like no one ever was
Prof Oak: [handing me Pokedex] there are 150-
ME: sorry how much work is this gonna be
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
How a career in technical writing ruined me as a letter writer
M: YOU’RE USING MY $150 BLOW-DRYER TO UNFREEZE PIPES?!
H: Your WHAT blow-dryer?!
M: Never mind, carry on.
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
Martin Shkreli at prison commissary:
“Can I buy shower sandals?”
“That’ll be $700”
“I thought it was $13.50”
“The price suddenly went up”
The question I ask myself most often is, “What would a jury think about this?”
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
If I liked one of your pics from 12 weeks ago, doesn’t mean I’m stalking you…It just means you haven’t looked nice in awhile
Helping ya friend pick a picture to post 🤝 commenting like it’s ya first time ever seeing the picture
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
*seductively eats two tums*
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this