doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
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[Airport security supervillain screening]
AGENT: Spell ‘haha’
ME: OK, ‘M’,–
AGENT: ur under arrest
When libraries troll their patrons.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
The ice cubes in my parents’ freezer are original.
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Just found out I am the last person on earth who does not own an air fryer. And if you think YOU don’t have an air fryer you do, go look in the kitchen. It’s there right? Yeah, told you.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
“1990 called, they want their shirt back.”
“…why didn’t you warn them about 9/11?”
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Starbucks coffee is disgusting. First of all it tastes like soap, second of all u have to get it from dispensers in the BATHROOM????
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
here’s the problem with fruit: it’s inconsistent. some apples are delicious, some taste bad. sometimes blueberries are great, sometimes they are disgusting. you know what’s the same every time? doritos
[Blazing hot day]
Don’t forget to take a jacket, it might get cold.
~ My mom.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
Me: what’s your job
Them: I’m a bank teller
Me: *nervously* what do you tell it
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
if you wear a bikini top instead of a bra you can go out with wet hair & people will think you just went swimming which is athletic not lazy
I’ve decided I’m not going to let my teen’s attitude get to me today, and so far I’m doing really well with it.
She’s not awake yet.
Can’t get a girl? Rip out your rib and make your own! Critics are raving “this doesn’t work” and “I’m bleeding to death”.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Confession: I have dipped cheese into softer cheese.
My kid’s insults to each other:
“you have fat lips like Momma.”
“well, you have a big butt like Momma.
Thanks, kids.
Today is the 10th anniversary of the day I made deep and sustained eye contact with a very beautiful woman on the train and later when I got to work I saw I had a big wad of rice stuck to the rim of my glasses 🙏
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.