3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
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If I ever pass out, don’t come at me with smelling salts. A salted caramel cookie will do the trick.
hello 9-1-1? my girlfriend’s been kidnapped
“stay calm sir, what’s ur girlfriend’s name”
oh she goes to another school u wouldn’t know her
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
I saw a woman I work with in line at the pharmacy and instinctively said “hey what are you here for?” She blushed and didn’t respond in case you’re wondering about my ability to create awkward situations
Dammit, I forgot which one I left my key under.
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Pro tip: Wives do not find it hilarious when you add a bunch of extra candles to their surprise birthday cake.
I know this now.
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
*first day as a dog catcher
“I don’t see why we can’t use a ball.”
My kid was mad at me and said, why don’t you CROCHET!?? and it made me laugh…and made her madder.
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their shit together.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
you can’t piss me off. you’re not the doorknob i keep getting my clothes caught on.
god: make a giant mouse
angel: okay
god: with a baby carrier on it
angel: wh- why
god: but it’s like, really good at jumping and stuff
angel: [nervously] what stuff
god: [hits joint] boxing
Reports are indicating that Ivanka Trump may take on some roles of the First Lady. Still no word on who will handle the duties of President.
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
The travel toothbrush has to be the greatest invention ever. Can you imagine having to lug around one of those regular heavy ones?
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
The bear sleeping bag is completely awesome.
Would a rose by any other name still let Jack die?
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.