Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
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*i got to get into bed but theres a walrus in there*
*i ask him politely to move*
*he wont move*
*i have to sleep on the floor & im annoyed*
That scene in Home Alone where they count their kids but this time there’s one extra, so they sacrifice him
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
i dont have time for this
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
THEM: why are you like this
ME: how much time do you have
Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Never understood when the movie rating says “May contain nudity.” Are there people on the ratings board who aren’t sure if they just saw someone naked?
Stop flattering yourself.
I’m not subtweeting you.
Ok, i am right now, but i wasn’t before.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
Priest: do you take this woman
Me: I do
[Liam Neeson glares from the pews]
Me: -not
I was led to believe that in the future all health problems would be solved by shrinking a ship and injecting it into the body so that a ragtag crew of loveable misfits could shoot lasers at diseases, but instead we just get told to eat less bread.
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
I’m not scared of clowns, I’m scared of the man who chooses to become one.
Literally! 🤣 #dogs
Me: I hate working from home.
Also me: I hate working from work.
-Look Jim, I know you mean well, and asking people to help you write messages to your girlfriend is not exactly illegal..
-Right!
-But..
-Ugh, here it goes
-People seam to be scared when you stop them to ask questions, and you know why, Jim
-(drops his head) cause I’m a cop