12 *randomly*: Hey, Mama, can I make a twitter account?
Me: *choking on coffee & coughing* No
12: What age do I have to be to make an account on there?
Me: 98
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15 hours may seem like a lot of time to spend on a 1st grade space diorama, but you should have seen the look on my son’s face when he saw it for the first time on the drive to school this morning.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
ME: everyone except dave can go to the carnival
DAVE: hey no fair
ME: not for you, no
my depression: I’m sad
my anxiety: but why now I’m worried
my depression: nothing to worry about I’m sad for no reason
my anxiety: oh cool but honestly I was just gonna worry anyway
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
Nice hourglass figure, girl. Wanna come back to my place and stand on your head so my friends and I can keep time while we play Pictionary?
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
WTF, marathoners? I don’t even like to drive 26 miles.
wife [text] I’m so proud of you for sticking to your diet
me [can’t respond because there’s powdered donut on my fingers]
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
I decided to ignore idiots, now I just need to find something to do with all this spare time.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
Preparing for Back to School season by getting my 5th grader a new wardrobe, new backpack, and helping him invent a Canadian girlfriend
My milk crate brings all the boys to the ER.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
20’s: You can eat whatever you want.
30’s: Just two slices of pizza. You’re watching your weight.
40’s: You gained four pounds watching an Olive Garden commercial.
Eat…
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.
went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic