[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
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ME: I just feel like sometimes you take me for granted.
MY CAT: I literally have no idea who you are.
Got a lifetime ban from Target for spending less than $20
My kleptomania has always been a challenge, but stealing from this bakery really takes the cake.
It wasn’t until an old man yelled BINGO that Nana realized what a horrible mistake it was to bring her pit bull Bingo to the bingo hall…
I want whatever ice cream is most popular served at my funeral bc I think it would be funny to see a bunch of adults eating ice cream cones but really sadly
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
I’m 5’5″ and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Have you ever cropped a picture as you texted it; the crop didn’t stick and now your wife is asking who that woman is?
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I firmly believe in homeopathy because they cure everything with alcohol.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
ME: Tear this breadstick open, I think you’re gonna like what’s inside.
GIRLFRIEND: YOU DIDN’T! {breaks it open} It’s just filled with cheese.
ME: Happy 10th anniversary babe.
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
“HR says I’m not allowed to play horseshoes in the hallway anymore. They say it’s dangerous and it alarms the tenants on the floor below.”
“HR? You don’t have a job.”
“Tell them that.”
My grandma just described my grandads driving as erotic and I’m seriously hoping she meant erratic or grandma has some kinks I don’t wanna know about
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
My wife says I remind her of James Bond. I’m bad at following orders, I’m emotionally dead, and she’d like to see the role go to Idris Elba.
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
yesterday at the grocery store i saw 2 celebrities singing the imagine song to a shattered bottle of kombucha that fell on the floor
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
the most powerful ad for religion i’ve ever seen
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”