You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
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me: good morning, Linda
Linda, my co-worker who backpacked through Europe: Not as nice as the sunrises you can see looking out from Venice
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
The old lady ringing me up at the store got frustrated w/ the barcode on my cheese not working so she just gave it to me for free…she is now sole beneficiary of my Will
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
*12 pulls a gray hair out of my head*
M: Wow, look at that!
12: Hang on. There’s A LOT more!
M:
12: Can I get paid for pulling these out?
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
I like to put a few lawnmowers in the back of my truck and follow landscapers all day just to make them nervous
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.
This other mom was complaining about being so sick that her MIL took the kids for a few days.
KID FREE for DAYS!
So I licked her face.
Sorry I forgot your birthday but I thought we’d stop being friends long before it got here.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
The tag on my comforter touched my foot last night and that’s the first and last haunted house I’ll be visiting this year.
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5
adam and eve had first world problems
detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is
me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic
detective: but where exactly?
me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.