7 years and 170,000 tweets later, all I can say is I’m glad this isn’t a gambling addiction.
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it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
When you’re angry with someone, It helps to sit down and think about the problem .. 🤔
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My sense of smell has been gone ever since the, “smell this leftover ham” incident back in 2004.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
PitbullPhobia: An extreme or irrational fear of singing alone.
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Sniffing the broccoli
I bought a lamp made from citrus fruit, but refuse to use it.
I’m trying to avoid the limelight.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Ladies call me “the turkey sandwich” because I seem bland and boring at first, but then I continue to be boring.
[throwing face stocking and grappling hook back in trunk]
“Dammit!”
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
A lot of people wonder if u have to choose between a creative career and making money, and I just wanna say stick with it long enough & you can have neither 🙏
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
Watson: “Holmes, why are you wrapped in a thin aluminium sheet?”
Holmes: “DAMMIT, FOILED AGAIN!”
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
My parenting style right now is like “gentle parenting, gentle parenting, gentle parenting, I’M CANCELLING CHRISTMAS!!!, gentle parenting, gentle parenting…”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’