MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
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Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
asked my bf how work was today
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
Daughter: goodnight Mama.
Wife: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Dada.
Me: goodnight.
Daughter: goodnight Moon.
Me: [high pitched voice] goodnight.
Daughter: the moon doesn’t sound like that.
Moon: yeah I don’t sound like that.
Been yelling just awful things at people, trying to improve my chef skills.
There’s a school near my apartment, with a Pokémon gym in the recess yard. Every day, the same 4 or 5 kids take it. And every day after work, I swing by and CRUSH. THEIR. POKÉMON. Everyone wants to be Ash, Brock and Misty, but I am 100% these kids’ Giovanni.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Host: Today on House Flippers, a houseboat
Couple: I heard Dracula killed a bunch of people on this boat?
Host: The important thing is choosing a layout that makes it feel like a home (pause) I’m thinking new cabinets
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
I just want my kid to do what I say when I say it but at the same time be a free thinker that doesn’t just accept whatever is told to him. Is that really so much to ask?
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
date: I’m an archaeologist
me: my career is also in ruins
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
[grocery store]
me: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
little old lady: *reaches for the last big pot pie*
[kill bill sirens]
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
Robin: Gee Bruce, how come you get to wear dark concealing colors and I have to wear bright Red, Yellow and Green?
Batman: You’re the decoy
Kanye forcing Owen Wilson to lie in the back seat of his car & make comments on the road so he can pretend he’s driving Lightning McQueen.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
My daughter’s school held a Multicultural Night at school which was amazing, so gorgeous, informative and fun but I had to put on a good bra so I can only give it a 5/10.