I used to care what my neighbours think but then I met them
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Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
Gang initiations from the Midwest be like “you have to eat the entire potato salad”
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
Him: Wanna see my prison tats?
Her: Ooh ok I like bad boys
Him: This one *lifts shirt* is of Alcatraz. It was built in 1934 and closed in
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
Hey girl, are you a check engine light? ‘Cause I’m not sure what you’re trying to tell me but I have a feeling you’re going to ruin my day.
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
NEW DRINKING GAME:
1) Put on the new Twilight movie
2) When you press play, take 59 shots of vodka so you can die before it starts.
“oh no, this is so scary or whatever lol”
-giraffe in quicksand
WIFE: Your tree puns make me sick
ME: Well you make me sycamore. Why don’t you leaf.
I told my son we were going to have a dance party and he ran to the kitchen to get cups and straws and said we couldn’t have a party without drinks and that we needed to hydrate so am I finished parenting now?
If I add up all the cheese I ate this year, you’d think I’m actually made of moon.
my neighbour ryan: I was at a zombie walk we all dressup and walk around downtown
me holding an axe: I wanna believe you ryan I really do
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
Kids are like doughnuts. Sweet and yummy but more than one, maybe two, and you’re like, “What the hell have I done?”
[babies txting]
“my dad’s thumb just came off”
lol wtf 😂
“wait its back on again nvm”
ok lmao
“he just stole my nose”
im phoning the police
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Questions like, “Could you survive a cannon blast, dad?” keep my son up at night. Follow up comments like, “I guess we’ll have to wait and see,” keep me up at night.
GOOGLE USER: What are symptoms of skin cancer
GOOGLE: 20% off best skin cancer now
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.