dr: what happened here
me: i got bit by a horse when I tried to put a birthday hat on him
dr: why
me: wasn’t his birthday I guess
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[Cooking pasta]
Make enough to feed everyone in The Sopranos and proceed like Tony is going to kill you if you don’t cook enough pasta.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
FRIEND: hey while I’m on vacation can you come over and feed the cat?
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: to what?
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
neighbor complimenting my jack-o-lantern: wow is that hand carved?
me: *wiggling my fingers* haha no it’s real.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
My kid just peed himself and then had a tantrum because he couldn’t see his ear.
But congrats on your pregnancy!
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Marriage is one spouse cooking and the other deciding to block them by unloading the dishwasher and ending the argument by rage folding laundry
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
If you insist on changing someone, do it without their knowledge….Like by poisoning their food.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 1
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: No, absolutely not.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 2
Kid: Can I have a popsicle for breakfast?
Me: After you eat your real breakfast.
SUMMER BREAK WEEK 3
Kid: What’s for breakfast?
Me: Popsicles.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!