Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
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I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
Yeah, sex is awesome. But have you ever put clothes on straight out of the dryer?
Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Grandma found out I’m single so I have roughly an hour to find a gf or Ill be getting the ‘have you thought about being a priest’ talk again
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
Hey boy, are you a pepper? Because you give me indigestion but I still want to get jalapeño business.
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Catching the tram at the airport. Doors open and it’s packed. Husband says we’ll just wait then sees a tiny opening at the next tram door and jumps on without telling me he’s doing that. Doors close. I stood there waving bye and the look of sheer terror on his face as it left.
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Suit: It says here you’re “dramatic” and “nonsensical”?
Me [forward somersault, grabs resume]: Sorry that’s a typo, it should say “sandpaper pickles”.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
I can’t sleep; so I went out & got 2 donuts, glued them to my eyes, climbed up a tree & pretended I’m an owl.
New Facebook technology can identify faces with 97.25% accuracy, and then ask you if you want to tag that statue in the background.
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
I’v been catfishing my best friend Dave for the last 3 weeks. He’s gunna pay me that $50 he owes me or I’m showing these emails to his wife.
Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
no one warned me parenting would include being held hostage until I find an acceptable answer to what unicorns eat
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
I can’t stop watching this.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]