Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
You Might Also Like
My last relationship was so bad, it featured Pitbull.
Toddler law mandates that once they are able to perfectly recite the ABC’s for their parents they must act like rabid chimpanzees when asked to do it for anyone else.
Me: I’m so bored.
Dog: Have you considered running from window to window and barking at stuff outside?
Me: That’s the dumbest ide- OHMIGOD! *runs to window* The FedEx truck! *runs to other window* It might be my Amazon delivery! *runs to front door* IT’S TURNING UP OUR STREET!
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
[Job interview]
Executive: One of the skills you listed is “diplomatic lying”…?
Me: Yes, for example I will say, “I am a block away,” when it’s more like five or, “I need two minutes,” when I mean at least thirty.
Executive: You’re hired.
Me: I’ll start in a week.
Whenever people announce “I’m marrying my best friend” for a second I always think “oh shit what about your boyfriend, he seemed so nice”.
why’s it called Top Gun when the guns are on the bottom of the plane
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
Why did they call it a fake Rolex and not a Fauxlex send tweet
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Her: I’m leaving you and going to my mothers.
Me: Hold on and I’ll come with you. I like to have a good meal for a change…
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
nothing makes me feel appreciated at work more than management sweetly saying “have you been helped?” because they have no idea i work here
[Watching Star Trek with my date]
ME: *leans in* It’s called Star Trek but the stars don’t actually go anywhere.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
Everyone “I learned a lesson ”
Me: “Imma do it again!”
Even if there’s a murderer behind me, finish chewing before you tell me.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
Meanwhile in Portland…
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.