Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
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I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Me: “Go to bed, the cows are already asleep in the field.”
Son: “So what?”
Me: “It’s pasture bedtime.”
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I live in fear of my kids going outside when it’s raining, because they could get wet and multiply.
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
Whew, call me a Boeing 737 cause I’m barely holding it together
“Be cool, it’s the cops” I said to my 3 cats I dressed up like robbers as my other 3 cats came out of the kitchen dressed like policemen
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
[two weeks into the zombie apocalypse]
Me: [ventures outside] oh my god there’s a zombie apocalypse
Can you imagine if therapists did an end-of-year wrapped list like:
-cried 79 times
-picked up 5 new coping mechanisms
-made 43 jokes about your trauma
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Being in my twenties in the seventies was a lot better than being in my seventies in the twenties.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
Police chief – “I’ve been hearing reports that one of our cops is an undercover lobster”
Me -[struggling to grip coffee mug in huge pincers]
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
One night my insomnia will pay off and I’ll witness a crime being committed outside my window.
Until then, I’ll keep eating.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself.
People on Twitter: Hold my beer.
[JOB INTERVIEW]
It says on your CV that you are a magician, can you show me?ME: *Points on CV to where it is says I am a magician*
People who say the book is always better than the movie: have you ever actually read “Debbie Does Dallas?”
COACH: [to player with head injury]: What year is it?
PLAYER: 2020.
COACH: Correct. Who is the president?
PLAYER: I don’t know.
COACH: Also correct.
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
Superman: online shopping again? money won’t buy you happiness Bruce
Batman: *ordering kryptonite* we’ll see