So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
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If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
Me: *meeting a priest* Nice dress, bro.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
I am not mature enough for this many work emails to be going back and forth about an incoming hot load
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I’m great at analogies.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
Gas prices are so high I’m riding my Roomba to work
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
I installed a pet door over the weekend, and the dog barked at it, and the cat pissed on it, but the raccoons have got the idea.
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
I’m bored, think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot, sit in my car with my reverse lights on
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
In English, a double negative forms a positive. in some languages, like Russian, a double negative is still a negative. In no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.
yeah…. right…
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
I guess somewhere around the age of 12 it became my turn to go on the computer, and it still is. my turn just didn’t end. more than a decade later I’m still here, on the computer
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Why do my kids have Veteran’s Day off, they haven’t done shit.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Me: ha nice try
I: excuse me?
M: that’s how Lex Luthor beat Superman. I’m not stupid.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
40 is fun because you feel old as shit and then wham-o your period comes out of nowhere and catapults you right back into your early teens.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My mother is displeased with me.
In other shocking news, water is wet and the sun is bright.
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.