Today sucked so much it featured a guest verse from Pitbull
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Teenager: *eats three corn dogs and a row of Chips Ahoy* mom what’s for dinner
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
I just stabbed a pin in my arm.
Somewhere out there a bunch of voodoo dolls just said ‘Ouch.’
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
he looks great for his age
Might cry like a baby hoping to get scooped up by a dingo.
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
I never get as envious of parents as I do when their baby starts crying & they get to leave the event
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
And the award for the best actor goes to my 5yo for his role in “I can’t push this bike back it’s too heavy”
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Me, at the intervention: “Ah look, all the reasons I drink gathered in one place.”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Yesterday, myself, Miss 9 and husband were sat on a train in and around a man with a book entitled Surrounded by Idiots.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
[visit to zoo]
See kids? All these animals have to live here in cages because they woke daddy up early one time.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blood from a horse’s head
Please be the blo…
Nope, just peed the bed again
Here me out, Jurassic Barbie.
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
Perks of being an adult: I can eat 8 cookies, no one can stop me.
Cons of being an adult: I ate 8 cookies, no one stopped me, I feel awful.
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
Police Officer: i will arrest anyone who had a hand in this
Puppeteer: [visibly sweating] oh no