Anyone else see a huge missed opportunity here?
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Doctor: “I need to draw some blood.”
Me: “Okay.”
Doctor: “Do you have a red crayon I could borrow?”
Normalize hissing at people who stand too close to you in the checkout line.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
[raises eyebrow]
[watches eyebrow graduate]
[cries at eyebrow’s wedding]
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
43 Hacks That Will Help You Cut Down a Christmas Tree
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
How To Avoid Dating
●You’re too young for me.
●I’m too young for you.
●I don’t date men my age.
●Okay, but after I finish my antibiotics.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
Wife: why are you smiling?
[realizing if Blue from Blue’s Clues and Clifford had puppies they’d be purple]
Me: I was thinking about you.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Look lady, you’ll find out why I brought a bib to our date as soon as the food gets here.
think of all the paper we are saving complaining online.
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you