Meditation is fun when you want to do nothing for an hour but still feel a sense of accomplishment.
You Might Also Like
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
If the Bing chatbot isn’t called Chandler, then what’s the point of anything anymore.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
[space station]
me: *winks* let’s get astronaughty
her: seriously?
me: honestly, the only reason i became an astronaut was to say that
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My Mom gives me the weather report for a place 3,000 miles away just in case I’m planning a spontaneous road trip that day.
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Me: I lost twelve followers today.
Wife: On Twitter?
Me: In the woods.
Wife: You’re the Cub Scout leader! It’s your responsibility to find those children!
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
People fear what they don’t understand:
Change
Death
4th grade math word problems
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Hey, I’m human. If you cut me do I not bleed? If you cut me a slice of pizza do I not eat?
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.
Interviewer: how would you describe your conflict resolution style?
Me: *panicking* coniferous
Stands at the gates of hell.
Waves to my mother in law.
Leaves.
*a jerk tries to punch me but I catch it perfectly in my mouth and swallow him whole like a snake*
cop: you know why i pulled you over
me: …no ?
cop: come on dude
me: maybe i had a few too many–
cop: WAY too many balloon animals in your trunk
me: i–
cop: you didn’t even close it man. giraffes and wiener dogs all over the road back there
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING