HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many woman would be named Siobhan
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Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
At night
Me: wow I finally found the best sleeping position!
My body: we need to pee.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
It’s weird how we get born in the same city as our favorite sports teams
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
This summer on ABC. In a dog eat dog world. We’re gonna see who can eat the most dogs
the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Him, handing me a beer: One for the road?
Me: Sure.
Me, pouring it on the street: This seems wasteful.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Wonder why my son doesn’t want me to walk him to the bus stop?
Maybe I’d better unhook one of the straps on my overalls like the cool kids.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I like my whiskey like my marriage….
On the rocks.
POLICE: POLICE! OPEN UP!
ME: My parents never loved me.
POLICE: NOT EMOTIONALLY! OPEN THE DOOR!
ME: That makes way more sense.
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
When people tell me “You’re going to regret that in the morning”, I sleep til noon because I am a problem solver
chicken: [stamps out cigarette] have you even once considered that THIS is the other side of the road?
“Sheer Arrogance”