[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
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As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
ugh not again
boss: you’re late
me: and you are not the father
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
7 year old neighbor informed me that they weren’t feelin’ my musical tastes this morning, so I’m not feeling giving him a ride anymore
GROUND CONTROL: Oh goddamit, it looks like Major Tom is going to sing through this whole mission. Pull the circuit.
MAJOR TOM: 🎶 the circuit’s dead, there’s something wrong
Very irritated daughter stomping all over the porch…
Me: What’s the problem?
Her: Dad asked me to bring him a Phillips screwdriver AND ALL WE HAVE ARE STANLEYS!!!!
If I gave you a book for Christmas it’s due back at the library tomorrow
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
[coaching little league]
KID: did I do good today,coach
ME: you ate 4 dandelions in the 3rd inning alone, Brayden
I always carry a yoga mat with me so I can take a nap right after eating at the Golden Corral.
[bedtime]
DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.
ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.
DAUGHTER: …
ME: Night, sweetheart.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Excited for Game of Thrones tonight because it’ll be nice to see civilized political discourse for a change.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.