I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
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*closes door*
“Did you take out the trash?”
“Her name is LINDA, Mom.”
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
I’m told as a lady in my 30s I shouldn’t wear certain things anymore – like halter tops, pigtails, and the scalps of my vanquished enemies.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
*First date*
Him: I just want someone to say to me I love you and really mean it someday!
Me: I love you and really mean it someday..
Him:
Me: there’s no pleasing some people
The worst thing about dentists is they put that paper bib on you but they never bring you lobster.
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
The eighties were great except for all the spinning right ‘round like a record.
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
My grandma taught me it’s okay to use the really bad words only when someone messes with family, or when a bird shits on your head.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Criminal Tip:
Buy a gun from a guy off the streets.
As soon as he sells it to you, point it at him & get your $$ back.
Free gun.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
Be a good dad
When your son wants to play catch, do it
When he needs a hug, give one
When he wants to play drums, tell him his mom said no
DOCTOR: your blood pressure is high
MY BLOOD PRESSURE: oh shit is it obvious
I’m Scottish so when people don’t like my tweets I just assume it’s because they can’t understand my accent
Trump is blaming Sanders supporters for the violence at his rally because you can’t truly be Hitler until you blame a Jew for your problems.
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
I went into accounting because there is strength in numbers.