“WHAT?? You ate the last of the cantaloupe?? This is the worst day ever!”
Can you please stop being so melondramatic.
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You look like you would fail a DNA test
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Confidence is important.
Because wishy-washy just will not get you a prescription for the good drugs.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Juliet: O Romeo, Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?
Romeo: New phone. Who dis?
My wife put a Jason Momoa poster on the ceiling and now she wants to have sex with the lights on, I call it a win though cause now I don’t have to feel around on the nightstand for my Oreos.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
*At the checkout
Cashier: How many croissants?
M: Four
*Cashier eyes up the crumbs on my face.
M: Um six
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I’ve retired from twitter to devote more time to being an email unsubscriber.
FYI –
Lisa on FB has cramps but is still going to yoga.I’ll keep you all posted.
Shower sex be like:
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
I threw my bra on stage at a concert once. It landed somewhere in the flute section.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
No one is as glued to any piece of reading material as a parent counting down the songs in the program of a really boring school concert.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
TV and movies would have you believe that there are way more people crawling around in ventilation ducts than there actually are.
My dog just winked at me, and now I’m wondering just exactly what the two of us are keeping from the rest of the family.
I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.