It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
You Might Also Like
[at work]
Boss: *at my door* Nice to see you here late with your head bent over your desk!
Me: Well, you know me, always working!
Boss: Keep it up! *leaves*
Me: *resumes trying to unstaple my tie from my desk*
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
15 got his first job at Buffalo Wild Wings and today I went to pick him up, my car now smells like deep fried onions and axe body spray.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
Her: How would you describe that green sheep?
Me: I don’t know. Olive ewe?
Her: I knew you’d say it first! I love you too!
Entrapment 101
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
corny joke guy that everyone hates: “whats the difference between a piano and a fish? you can tune a piano but you cant-
me: *pulls out my perfectly tuned sardine harp and begins to play Pantera’s “Cowboys From Hell”
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
I’m haunted by my grandmother saying “apple pie without cheese is like a kiss without copping a feel”
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
me: thanks for the feedback. Really valuable!!!
coworker: no problem!
[coworker gets text at 3am] who teh fucgk do u thgink u r
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I don’t care how much candy he offers you, kids, do NOT get out of Billy Ocean’s dreams and into his car.
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Someone told me that Jaws isn’t even a real shark and that he doesn’t live in lakes. That’s the craziest talk I’ve ever heard.
#If #I’m #not #following #you #back #this #might #be #the #reason.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
if you write “keep it together, man” without the comma you end up creating a new superhero named “keep it together man” and frankly if there’s one guy we need right now it’s him.
*Ancient Egypt*
Me: My abacus won’t work
IT: Hit giant eye + guy holding snakes + big ass bird
Me: Nothing
IT: Okay, reset *shuffles abacus*
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.