Give your kid a bowl of chips, and he’ll eat for a few minutes. Let him dump out a bag of chips in the car, and he’ll eat for a whole week
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I’m always there for my friends when I need them.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Previously On Persistence 😎
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
“please feel free to ignore this email” way ahead of you buddy
Him: Why is my sandwich 6 inches thick?
Me: The ham expires tomorrow.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order.
Him: Make a will?
Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.
*nonchalantly waters the geraniums with a lawnmower*
last night in a voiceover session
me doing a line: COME!
engineer: sorry, could you do that come again, it was a little too strong
me: …
engineer: …
me: …yeah…no problem…sorry my come was too strong
Why would anyone become an architect when everything you do gets destroyed in an X-Men movie?
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
If it’s so good why can’t I find a single car wash that carries the Brazilian wax thingy you guys keep tweeting about?
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
Her: Did you see that science has developed bed sheets you never have to wash?
Me: Huh. I thought I already owned them.
they said marry your best friend but then got all weird when I proposed to my dog pick a lane
My friend’s DoorDash was stolen by a raccoon right after the same thing happened in Florida and I think we might have an orca situation going on here.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
I trust Chick-fil-A so much that I don’t even check my bag and if they get my order wrong I just assume they know what’s best for me.
[roommate watching me after my gf leaves] just tell her. she probably loves hair
[me taking off bald cap] im in too deep now
My garden has produced some sick beets, some smashing pumpkins and some red hot chili peppers.
We go on tour in the fall.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia