It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
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I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
Colonel Sanders started KFC when he was 65 years old. Which just goes to show… You’re never too old to cook chicken
Avoid office small talk by maintaining that facial expression between first sneeze and second sneeze.
bears call children lost in the woods screamy appetizers. you can take my word on this
DATE: You hear that an ostrich escaped from the zoo?
ME: [from the kitchen] No
DATE: Oh. What’s for dinner?
ME: A suspiciously large chicken
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
I’ll take all that stuff you’re giving up for lent.
getting off the floor: the extreme sport of middle age
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
Me: My doctor says I need urgent surgery.
Friend: Oh my god! I’m so sorry. What kind?
Me: Cosmetic.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
“Tell me about yourself”
Well, I’m a Canadian-
“Oh yeah? Tell me a joke funnyman”
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
I’m jealous of babies because they don’t know anybody yet
Me: A friend sent me a truly amazing gif the other day.
Husband: Oh really?
Me: Yeah, it was……
Husband: Oh gods, don’t say it……
Me: The gif that keeps on giving.
*Husband leaves room.
I’d like to thank whomever told my mom that WTF means “wow that’s fantastic.” Her texts are so much more fun now.
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
That guy who just spent 2 hours washing and waxing his sportscar looks like a douche. C’mon boys, you know what to do.
– Birds, probably
‘Leave no stone unturned’ is good advice if you’re looking for something that crawls out from under rocks.
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Probably my favorite thing to do for fun is be 25 years younger
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs