I always carry a red Sharpie on me in case I have to draw blood.
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You can abandon any ideas of serving me with papers, sir, for as long as my foot remains in this toilet, I am only subject to Maritime Law.
I heard my 7-yr old daughter yell out “Cue the battleship!” in her sleep & now I’m jealous because her dreams are a lot cooler than mine.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Ever notice how pathetically lonely you are when the person in the next bathroom stall completely ignores your knock knock joke?
man: you’re beautiful
me: gross
man: humanity is a black hole of stupid and i’m dying inside
me: [heart beats fast] oh my god are you single
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
north carolina to sue over bathroom bill
hillary: stop calling him that
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
There are a lot of unspoken rules about complimenting a baby. It is ok to say ‘I could just eat him up!’ but apparently you should not go into detail about which recipe you would follow.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
7: “I know why pee is yellow. Because you have to squeeze to get pee out, like a lemon.”
Cool prank: lead 50 pugs to the top of a waterslide & send them down 1 by 1 as the parents waiting at the bottom get increasingly confused
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
Friend- “You’re drunk.”
Me- *mocking voice* “You’re drunk.”
Friend- “Stop.”
Me- *morphs into clone of friend* “Stop.”
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
Despite popular opinion, you can eat fire. You just can’t eat it twice.
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
kinda rude that my bank told me how much money i spent on food this month. what if i didn’t want to know that
I bet the only thing more stressful than defusing a bomb is letting your husband pack for a big trip.
My thoughts are with you but my prayers are reserved for Kelly on FB that’s cooking a casserole for the first time.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic