Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
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*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Walmart bathrooms is my favorite place for me to feel like I’m taking a piss on the set of the movie “Saw”
I got called “vein” and I’m just like, k not the most vital component of the circulatory system but still essential so thank you
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
The Pillsbury Doughboy has died. Services will be at 350 degrees for 30-40 minutes.
Boss: In what ways have you grown or matured in the year you have been here?
Me, glancing at the hidden notebook detailing my 36 point revenge plot against another department: By learning how to let things go
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.
Inmate: here’s the rule: find the biggest, baddest dude in the yard and…
Me: (sigh) don’t fall in love…
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
You guys talk about sex like it’s so great. I had sex once and she made me take off my jean jacket. Just not worth it.
I SCREAM
YOU SCREAM
WE ALL SCREAM BECAUSE MY WIFE IS DRIVING WITHOUT HER GLASSES ON AGAIN!!
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
[Inventor of the plow]
I’m gonna stab that field
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
Back in my day we didn’t wear helmets while riding our bikes. We just laid there unconscious until someone came and got us for dinner
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
i was baptized in a car wash
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.