gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
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Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
[At a restaurant]
Me: I’m getting the chicken Caesar salad.
Husband: I think I’ll get the wings.
Me: Those don’t come with fries.
Husband: I know.
Me:
Husband:
Me: But…whose fries am I going to eat?!
wife: I TOLD you not to try a 360 with the grocery cart
me: It was really nice when everyone started clapping after they saw I was ok though
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
my youngest started kindergarten today and I cried but mostly for his teachers
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
Relationship status: Putting aloe on the wall and rubbing against it to apply in places that I can’t reach.
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
What’s that, Lassie? Timmy’s in trouble? His marriage is falling apart? He’s having an existential crisis? I’ve got my own problems, Lassie.
The guy who named peacocks was never allowed to name anything again
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Where there’s a pill, there’s a yay.
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
Used to be free to fill my tires up at the gas station, but now it’s ¢75.
Guess that’s the cost of inflation.
burglar tip: do NOT steal the clear freezer gemstones they’ll melt in ur pockets & make it look like u peed urself all ur friends will laugh
Just seductively flipped my hair to the side and a partially eaten chocolate Santa fell out.
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property