I went for a run but came back home after 5 minutes because I forgot something.
I forgot that I’m fat and can’t run for more than 5 minutes
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“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
@Mister_Gravity @OwensDamien @funTweeters Sssshhhhh, they haven’t noticed thus far, don’t screw it up for everyone…
My husband wants me to do a dry January which I have no problem with. I’m on my second bottle of chardonnay right now
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
jury duty is so unserious. like uh oh it’s time for my government-mandated gossiping!
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If you’re wearing sunglasses & it’s not at all sunny out, you can’t get offended when I grab your arm to guide you safely across the street.
put ‘er there pardner!
Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.
It is amazing how trim porn actresses stay with all the pizza they order.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
Him: sometimes I think you just don’t care
Me: [hands in the air] why would you think that
Interviewer: What makes you unique?
Me: I’m loyal to a fault, don’t gossip, & work hard.
I: Yeah, so, you’re not really going to fit in.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
who started finding eggs and was like “it was probably a rabbit”
Me: Hold still. All I need to do is wipe your nose.
Toddler: *dodges the tissue like she’s in the Matrix*