First day as a vampire hunter: This is easy lol
First night as a vampire hunter: oh no
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This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
I’m a great babysitter. If you’re interested, I can offer an above 95% survival rate.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Han: Leave us alone, you fat slug!
Jabba: *speaks Huttese*
C-3PO: The mighty Jabbs says your words are hurtful. He has a thyroid problem.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags:
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
The most unrealistic thing about The Walking Dead is that a couple who had a kid after 2000 would’ve named it Carl.
I bet Morgan Freeman’s book reports were epic.
Ambien is not the answer, unless your neighbor questions why you were sleeping on their couch and where did their cheesecake go.
HEY JALAPENOS!
Me doing the macarena dance
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
Legend of Tarzan 2:
Tarzan meets other primates.
He befriends them all.
He teaches them to fight.
It’s a prequel to Planet of the Apes.
My wife doesn’t like me saying this but we “bumped uglies”* this morning.
*hit the neighbours’ kids with our car
I didn’t come here to be called names
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”