If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
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I hop in a tanning bed during storms in the hopes of being struck by lightning & turned into a lame, but beautifully bronzed, superhero.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
God: Give them free will
Angel: Some of them are going to use it to say, “supposably.”
God: You know what? Let’s make a hell, too.
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
*shuffles around on carpet in fuzzy socks for several minutes*
Okay, let’s go to your stalled car and give this a try.
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
My dad is on Instagram now and my plan is to comment on all of his photos with horny reply guy shit like “So f****** beautiful” and “I’d let you do that to me anytime” until he deletes it.
Him: Sarah is dead.
Me: Oh Thank God! She wasn’t answering my emails and I thought she was mad at me…
“Daddy, why do dogs need whiskers?”
-my 7-year-old son, while discreetly holding scissors in one hand and dog whiskers in the other
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
Therapist: let’s try guided imagery to help you relax. I’ll play beach sounds, you close your eyes & picture what I’m describing
Me: ok
T: you see seagulls flying in the distance.
there are so many of them & they are getting closer
uh oh they’ve spotted your Doritos
Me: NO
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
Woke up with morning Yule Log
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
As we were driving passed a prison on vacation my 12 year old nephew lamented, “aww, I’ve never gotten to see the inside of a real jail.” I deadpanned, “It’ll happen, Sean, just give it a few years.” Y’all, my 7 year old erupted in laughter and explained the insult & I’m just 😭
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.