Doctor: Let’s take a look at your chest shall we
Pirate: No
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Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Raise your hand if you ever ran out of toilet paper and had to use a coffee filter.
So, just me..
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Took a poop without my phone. Had no idea what to do with my hands. Did the Macarena. What a day.
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
I saved $30 by cutting my own hair.
I might have also saved my own life cuz I’m not leaving this house until it grows back in.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Whenever I see people my age with babies I’m like “aw they must have had a teenage pregnancy” and then I remember that I’m in my 30s.
I accidental typed sinroof instead of sunroof and I may have just invented the greatest thing ever.
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
I overheard my daughter asking the little boy next door, “Are you the opposite sex, or am I.”
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Whatever, Usain Bolt. I’ve been finishing in under 10 seconds for years.