My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
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NO my kids aren’t having candy for breakfast! What kind of mom do you think I am??
We’re having leftover pizza.
carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
dog: i have to pee
me: for real?
dog: yeah i gotta go
me: alright *lets dog out*
dog: *barks for 10 straight minutes*
me: *lets dog back in*
[5 minutes later]
dog: lol you’re not gonna believe this
me: you have to pee
dog: i have to pee lol
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
The whitest shit about Greek mythology is that when they hear sirens they get closer
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Sex is like riding a bike…..no matter how confident you are, you’re not allowed to do it naked in the park.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
Clerk: What do you do at work?
Me: Write stupid jokes on Twitter.
Clerk: You can get paid for that?
Me: Hell no. That’s why I do it at work.
HOW TO BE A LAWYER:
Witness: I saw your client do it.
Me: Allegedly.
W: No, I did.
M: Allegedly.
Judge: That’s argumentative.
M: Allegedly.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
[eyeing a beautiful woman]
ME: mmmm I love tight yoga pants
HER: they look terrible on you
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
accidentally put my phone in airplane mode and my front door blew off