Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
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I hope someone makes you feel special today. I’m not doing it, I’m busy.
There’s a woman sitting by herself in the booth next to me at a restaurant and has answered 3 calls and ended all 3 by telling them her movie is about to start. I’m not sure if I should use my batman voice to tell her I LOVE YOU PLEASE BE MY LIFE COACH
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
FIREMAN: this blaze is out of control
ME: sometimes you gotta fight fire with fire
F: what? No
M: *already brandishing a flamethrower*
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
Courage is taking a selfie at an angle below your chin.
Hey Paul Ryan, why don’t you save some first names for the rest of us.
[Looking at ultrasound monitor with my wife]
Wife: Look at it’s little heart beating! Isn’t it amazing…
Me: It looks like a crossiant
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
They got Raph!
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
Asking my dentist a question but sticking my fingers in his mouth before he replies
Current fitness level: arm is tired from brushing teeth.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
we call em houseplants like thats where they belong but its just where we put em thats like if u threw me in the sewer & called me sewer boy
“Let me make this very clear…”
– Me before a 38 mins convoluted rant
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50’s gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
I thought the CVS guy was going to ask me to join the rewards program but he said “enjoy your night” so I said “not today, thanks” and left.
british people are always saying fucked up shit like “i grew up in Poppington Square but moved to King’s Jangly before settling in Elephant-Upon-Strighton.”
You know that song “Happy” by Pharrell? That’s how annoying I am.
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
With KFC’s announcement they’ve created an edible coffee cup, the chain is ready to face its next challenge: creating edible food.
Babybel you stay on my mind
fulfill my fanta-cheese.
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”