me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
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If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
Awwwww shit.
Me *sneezes*
My cat: EVERY MAN FOR HIMSELF
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
Look 2020, I just think I should start seeing other years
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
A treadmill minute is four times as long as a sleep minute.
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..
Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
Me: I’ll just take a regular bikini wax. Or should I go Brazilian? What do you think?
Nurse: Ma’am, I’m just here to take out your catheter.
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”
[On the way home from school pick-up]
Me: So, what did you do at school today?
9: I burned down everything that exists.
5: No you didn’t! Then why is that fence there? Why am I here?
9: I also trapped my brother in a world of make-believe.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My friends are talking about going to a club after dinner and drinks and while I know the time goes back tonight I didn’t realize it was going back to 2004
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
Wearing my lesbian boots today. Well, they’re faux lesbian. I don’t believe in using lesbians for leather, even if they’re farm-raised.
The wife says we have to eat all the stuff we’ve collected from fast food places tonight.
Looks like we’re having Taco Bell hot sauce, a bunch of salt & pepper, and a wet floor sign.
FUN FACT: Your landlord can’t tell you “no pets allowed” if your pet is large enough to eat them.
A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.