HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
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I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
me: I’m looking for my wife
cop: can you describe her
me: she’s strong, independent..
cop: but what does she look like?
me: that’s not important
cop: it kinda is
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[date]
HER: So do you like Star Wars?
ME: Oh yeah
HER: Who’s your favorite character?
ME: *nervously looking at smudged notes* Yoga
Who wants to pump my gas? This is not sexual.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep. we landed a robot on mars.
Scientists today: for the last time, the earth is round.
[does his regular grocery shopping]
Cashier: having a kid’s birthday party?
Me: ……………….yes.
Searched my teens room for drugs, was told “you don’t give me enough money for drugs.” I don’t know whether to be proud or up his allowance.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
P: …
M: …
P: Coal?
M: I was trying to make a diamond.
Proctologist: But that’s not how…
Me: I’m very uptight.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
It’s only the fifth day of school and my 9-year-old has already memorized the names of all 50 fourth graders who have cellphones.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
That’s right, I always have subtitles on. Do you know how hard it is to hear anything over the sound of munching snacks?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead