Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
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Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
*drops a couple pew-pews from my finger guns into the offering basket at church*
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
I bet the women who only tweet about sex are probably some of the nicest men you’ll ever meet in person.
Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
Me, at food counter: Those bacon burger sliders look delicious, 3 please .
Her: Sir, those are calves and piglets & this is a petting zoo!
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Workin hard. Putting my nose to the grindstone. Grinding away that nose. Barely any nose left now. Whole face messed up. Due for a promotion
As we start watching horror movies for October, this is more relevant than ever.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a restaurant who ran out of garlic bread
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
One time I microwaved my lunch at work and my coworker said “That smells spicy! What is that–is that salt?” And when I was speechless she followed up with “Is it pepper?”
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
HER: Can I give you my new number?
ME: *Eye roll* I REALLY doubt you came up with a number I don’t already know.
Dear people who write “That’s it. That’s the tweet” at the end, we know it’s a tweet. It’s Twitter. Can’t be a tax return.
Lobster 1: I split up from Lisa.
Lobster 2: Good. That fish was cray.
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.