*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
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We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
You’d think cats would act more grateful that we sent Curiosity to Mars.
The pottery scene in “Ghost,” except you’re slowly but steadily pushing the other person’s face into the clay.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
*reads an article on a subject I know* This is bullshit
*reads an article on a subject I don’t know* If it’s published it must be accurate
The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
This box wine has subtle hints of 7-Eleven parking lot and poor decisions.
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
i aspire to be the type of grandparent my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
It appears that late last night someone broke into the house and ate all the ice cream in the freezer. I’ve volunteered to lead the investigation but I doubt we’ll ever find the guy who did it
My parents were always subverting gender norms. Mom grilled. Dad watched lifetime movies. Both wept when I left the lasagna out all night.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
3 – DAD! HEY DAD!
Me: Don’t yell from the door son! Walk here and talk to me
3 – *walks over*
3 – I stepped in dog poop, what should I do?
Note to self:
1) Your memory sucks.
2) Write note to self.
my first dose meeting my second
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
a good argument tactic is if the person is eating or drinking something all you have to do is call them whatever they’re eating and or drinking “okay whatever you say dr. pepper” etc.
My husband thinks The Bachelor show is fake, they’re all there to be actors, and that it’s total bullshit.
Then he turned to wrestling.