Him: I like you.
Me: I’ll soon put a stop to that.
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T NOW! what do we want? MORE TIME-TRAVEL JOKES! when do we want them? RIGH
The length of time toddlers stare at each other on the playground would get you stabbed if you did that shit as an adult.
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
One time I got so mad at capitalism I paid off all my credit cards
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.
Guy about to invent archery: I want to stab that guy over there but I don’t want to walk.
*at casino*
When he hands you $100 and asks you to go get chips, do not ask him Doritos or Lays. Get both.
It will leave him speechless.
[husband opening refrigerator]
Me: “What are you looking for?”
Him: “I don’t know, but I’m sure we don’t have it”
Barney only he’s just a regular T Rex who doesn’t know why he’s been left in charge of young mammals or where their parents are, but he’s a total dad so he’s gonna do it.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
*handshake*
wow, soft hands! u must’ve never worked a day in ur life
[coming off a 9 hour shift at the Vaseline factory] “u dont know me.”
I didn’t get you a gift bag, I LENT you a gift bag. Now get your crap out of it and give it back without any crinkles.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
Tomorrow I’m definitely going to start running, no matter how many days it takes!
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
[millennial children kindergarten roll call]
Teacher: Nancy?
Nancy: here
Nanci: here
Nancee: here
Pnancy: Here
Gnancy: here
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Scar from the Lion King who is your mechanic and just fixed your car horn: beep repaired!
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit