Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
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Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
Mom is flying into JFK during Friday rush hour. An ‘anonymous tip’ should allow me to pick her up at the TSA and avoid the terminals.
Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car
90% of parenting is making up rules. 10% is trying to remember them.
Nah, you don’t give me anxiety. not like when someone hands me money and the bills are facing different directions
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
still laughing at the idea that the reason someone orders pizza delivery every day is they can’t afford bowls
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
power walking from my problems because running will draw their attention
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Seriously, calm down. I backed into you by accident.
Him: You hit me three times!
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
When bagging my groceries make sure to keep the radioactive bananas away from the mercury laden tuna.
That’s too much death in one bag.
Why does James Bond keep telling people his real name? Worst. Spy. Ever.
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
velma: another mystery solved gang. there’s no such thing as the supernatural, just ol’ fashioned trickery
scooby doo, the talking dog: rol’ rashioned rickery