FOOL people into thinking you’re a time traveller by angrily demanding what year it is
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Eye Exam Lamaze Class
Emergency
🤝
Dilated Pupils
“I chose you yesterday, I choose you today, and I will choose you tomorrow.”
– Me, to my coffee
So creative 😂
Art Teacher: your drawings are due tomorrow
me: [hours later] maybe add in some grapes
police sketch artist: ..a bowl of fruit attacked you?
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
Her: I’m done with you and everybody who looks like you.
Me: What did Wilford Brimley ever do to you?
My 6yo spread peanut butter all over the floor outside my bedroom as an April Fools prank.
Is there an age limit for being able to drop a kid off at the fire station with no questions asked?
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
GOD: Eyelashes
ANGEL: What do they do?
GOD: Protect eyes
ANGEL: And?
GOD: Get into people’s eyes. It’s extremely painful.
ANGEL: Are you ok?
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
Son, your insistence on dismembering all of your siblings is tearing this family apart!
If you’re reading this, congratulations on not being raptured. Im glad you’re still here.
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
Emails from your boss assigning you work do not qualify as cyber bullying.
I checked.
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
{Jeopardy}
Question: What animal can jump higher than a schoolbus?
Me (lips right on mic): Schoolbuses can’t jump, Alex.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
Me: I need one washer for the sink
Hardware store: They only come in sets of 343 pieces