All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
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[my wife to everyone at the pool party] pls don’t tell him, he’s never known the truth
[me loudly as I jump off the diving board] CABIN BALL
If you live in an apartment in NYC you’re already part of the tiny house movement. You’re just in denial and paying too much.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[A pterodactyl walks into a bar]
“Ptequila, pthanks.”
You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
Me: I really need to stop putting things off to the last minute
Bomb squad: actually, 5 seconds
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
That awkward moment when your date says she has a hair piece but later you find out she was saying herpes.
Well, she was raised to refer to dinner as ‘supper’ so obviously it wasn’t going to work out in the end.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
ME: [Consoling my friend, whose dog has been missing for 3 weeks] It’s ok, I’m taking good care of her.
HIM: What?
ME: What?
Welcome to innuendo club. This is going to be a long and hard session, if you know what I mean.
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
I’m pretty laid back… but if the bagger boy at the grocery store puts soup cans with bananas and bread again, I’m going to Lose. My. Shit.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Phones have become so expensive that if you fall and hear a cracking sound you pray that it was your leg.
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Has there ever been a more American story?
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
*Cleans out purse and finds another purse*
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’