If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
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Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
WHAT are birds so happy about at 7am? What? Oh, right. Pooping while airborne. Good one.
Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
I’m starting to think that this $49.95 “Landmarks of Europe Tour” might be bullshit.
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
[wakes up to crying in the night]
Wife: can you go check the baby
Me, climbing back into bed 2 mins later: yeah that was the baby
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco.
If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I’m making it 2 months.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
I could never be in the mafia those guys stay up way to late
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
my widow: I remember how he drank eight glasses of water a day
[elsewhere]
crematorium worker: WHY ISN’T HE BURNING