A 6′-6″ guy doesn’t scare me, but my 5′-1″ wife does, if you were looking for inspiration to get married.
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Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
You can either have a nice evening or you can help your child with their math homework.
You can’t have both.
Hot-cross buns!
Hot-cross buns!
One a penny, two a penny,
Hot-cross buns!– I’ll have two then please.
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
“I’M NEVER DRINKING AGAIN!”
Brain: LOL
Empty bottles: LOL
Wine shop owner: LOL
New bottle: LOL
Bottle opener: LOL
Liver: LOL
Me: LOL
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I enjoy a good short stor
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
DATE: So tell me something about yourself
ME: I like to call frozen burgers ‘brrrgers’
HER: I need to see other people
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
a tiny insect just tried to fly into my eye then immediately died on the bathroom sink, guys I think it saw my brain
Last night my son got sick, so he went to his room to lay down. Could barely move and he looked horrible.
Half an hour later the ice cream truck comes down the street and guess who RAN to the door begging for ice cream 😂
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I was fired from volunteering at the fire department. Apparently “wax the pole” means different things to different people.