Hide all your naughty entertainment on VHS. Even if your kids find it, they will not know what to do with it.
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
flight attendant: sir u r seated in an exit row, are u willing and able to xyz in case of emergency
the highest guy you have ever seen: yes
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
[attending a lecture on kleptomania]
Me: *taking notes*
Keynote speaker: please give me back my notes
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
demon: [looking around inside me] dude no offence but it’s like kind of a nightmare in here
me: haha yeah
demon: how are all your thoughts in comic sans
“YOU’RE FAT.” – my belt
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Her: What do you do?
Me: Global prosthetics distribution.
Her: You’re an artificial limb salesman?
Me: I prefer ‘international arms dealer’.
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
For about 2 seconds, when you run a red light, it’s like you stole your own car.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
[first date]
Him: I used to have a lazy eye but I had corrective surgery.
Me [trying to impress]: My entire body’s lazy.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
I used to have a desk with great selfie lighting and then I changed jobs for personal fulfilment.
I wouldn’t recommend it.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.