Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
My dentist reminded me of my wife’s sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.
Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.
{Thomas Edison prank call}
Is your refrigerator running?
“Yes..”
YOU’RE WELCOME!
*click*
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Anyone can pull a dr. doolittle like how do you know I’m lying, are you going to ask the animal you don’t think i can talk to, sir?
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
I’m starting to suspect the Christmas tradition of the kids cleaning the house for Santa while the parents nap is just something my parents made up.
one time my cousin greg put on two jean jackets and he exploded, there was mustache everywhere
me: she had wide eyes and red hair,
police sketch artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
me: she had an amazing laugh, and loved to be tickled
artist: *drawing*
me: like elmo
artist: *stops drawing*
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
*slowly walking*
*sees kid out of corner of my eye*
Me: *walks faster*
Kid: *walks faster*
Me: *running at the swings, screaming*
MIIIIIINE!
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Leaning over with an open bag of skittles in your shirt pocket: a tragedy in one act
Now that people have become accustomed to not knowing whether a person is having a phone conversation or just talking to themselves as they walk down the street I find myself doing a lot more public ranting.
71-yr-old Jimmy Page is dating a 25-yr-old. The age difference may seem huge now, but it won’t be as big a deal when she’s 28 and he’s dead.
I swear the Butterfly effect has seriously gone out of control this year.
So, apparently, flashing the neighbors at their backyard barbecue doesn’t make it a “gender reveal” party.
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
People of my generation are always saying that they are shocked how little role quicksand plays in their lives, but I gotta tell you, knowing the difference between a stalagmite and a stalactite has not proved to be as critical as I expected either.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.