Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
Enhanced interrogation idea:
If waterboarding isn’t working, try having my mother brush their hair.
I got the Pfizer vaccine and pso pfar pno pside effects.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
Oh Twitter is still here? Thank God, I have about 100 holiday puns saved in my drafts.
I’m about to make it rein, deer.
(Please don’t block me.)
I watched someone eat an unpeeled cucumber like an apple today. No, no, it’s even weirder than you imagine.
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
Eddie’s only other nemesis is our standard poodle, Charlie. Eddie has hated Charlie since he was a pup who mocked Eddie by being faster than him (see video from 7 yrs ago). Since then, Eddie has chased Charlie relentlessly, although Charlie has no idea he’s being chased.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
We ran out of eggnog last night so I put brandy in some pancake batter and nobody noticed.
*gets into trouble*
Trouble: Wrong hole.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*
“I’m helping” 😅
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
Expert: your husband?
Woman: that’s right. Len.
Expert: well, as you can see Len’s flipping up men’s ties and if you look closely… there, see how he’s slipping potatoes into people’s bags? This is an activity we call ‘hi jinx’.
Woman: I thought it might be!The Antics Roadshow
Guy who invented the spelling of bologna: shoplifting is a misdemeanor but murder is a felogna
Today is the birthday of Erwin Schrödinger, best known for being the world’s worst cat sitter.