Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
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The camera adds like 10-15 crooked teeth.
-Steve Buscemi
[Commercial for Milk]
Tired of dipping your hot dog in boring old water?!
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Normal people eating: *CRUNCH* *SLURP* *GULP* 🙂
Me eating: If I make any noise at all whilst eating people might judge me and I MIGHT DIE
Me: let’s go get a baby dinosaur.
Wife: where are we going to get a baby dinosaur?
M: at the babysaurus store.
W: Baby’s R Us you idiot.
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
Unless:
-The house is on fire
-The cops are about to kick down the door
-Or you’re ordering foodDo NOT talk to me while I’m on the toilet
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
“You do you” is the nicest way to call someone an idiot.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
[First Day As A Director]
Me: [forgot how to end a scene] *tackles the cameraman*
him: there is something wrong, but I can’t quite put my finger on it
me: do I need a proctologist with longer arms, then?
Finally, a door that understands me
a customer just tried to get another customer kicked out for “having bad vibes”
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
Me: what’s this fee?
Bank: your savings balance is zero. minimum balance is $50.
Me: ok
Bank: we charge a fee if it drops below that
Me: do you know how money works?
I like to stand by the side of the motorway holding a sign that says “If you were me, you’d be here now.”
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.